History of Extreme-Accounting

An Extremely Dubious Past

For as long as there have been accountants, there have been those who’ve ended up going to extremes.

As you’ll discover, Extreme-Accountants haven’t always been willing participants but they’ve certainly made their mark…

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EVERYTHING'S pretty extreme right now – please try later...

Birth of accounting

10.30 a.m. (on a slow Wednesday) Earliest accounting system developed using dots and dashes painted onto pebbles.

These small pieces of silicon are ideal as their surface can carry very fine markings and hold a surprising amount of detail. The finest ones are found in large stretches of open countryside giving rise to "Moor's Law", which claims that the amount of dots and dashes that can be fitted onto a pebble will double every century and a half.

However, the new system is slow to catch on – despite the portability, scalability and flexibility of the pebble-based system, it is incompatible with existing investments in representational cave drawing-based tribal management systems.

Extreme-Accounting up and running

10.35 a.m. (on the same slow Wednesday that, frankly, hasn't improved much) Novelty of world’s first accounting system wears off.

Inventor throws pebbles away, which hit a passing group of hunters.

A lengthy chase and afternoon spent dangling from the village meeting tree (being bombarded with figures) later, and the world has its first ever Extreme-Accountant...

Egyptian accountant gets buried in his work

Building the Great Pyramid for the Pharaoh, King Khufu, is a major construction project and massive headache for his treasurer – just entering the invoice for one delivery of stone means a morning of laboriously carving little pictures of birds, sphinxes, eyes, serpents and suns. Credit notes are a nightmare. The only good news is that double-entry bookkeeping hasn’t been invented yet.

Unfortunately, control of the royal purse strings turns out to have other more serious disadvantages. It isn’t enough for Khufu to be buried in the tallest building in the world, surrounded by fabulous treasures and symbols of his great power. He wants absolute proof of the magnificence of his monument to take with him on his journey into the afterlife.

When Khufu dies, the treasurer and his team of scribes are sent along to join their king – just to make sure that every last detail is recorded and the report pack and balance sheet of Khufu’s life is prepared and ready for presentation to the gods.

Stonehenge gets an extreme makeover

Monumental timber calendar – created 1,000 years earlier as a giant reminder to local tribes of when their tithe returns were due (slogan: "Subsistence farming doesn’t have to be taxing") – is rebuilt.

Teams of Neolithic Extreme-Accountants compete to drag 5-ton bluestones the 250 miles from South Wales to Wiltshire. The event is a huge success but very expensive to stage and only revived briefly 100 years later – this time as a one-off celebrity spectacle: "I'm a minor character from a popular saga, get me out of here". Once again Extreme-Accountants do all the hard work – this time dragging massive megaliths 20 miles from the Marlborough hills.

The event is big news and the Z-list saga characters are soon spread all over the "slabloids". However, stealing the credit from a group of people with 45 tons of rock behind them is generally a bad idea and the more annoying ones also end up spread all over Salisbury Plain. The subsequent "shyness" of available celebs puts a stop to further events, leaving Stonehenge as we know it today, and the tax year set in stone...

Growth opportunity

Under pressure to return an impressive year-on-year gain, Julius Caesar (a rising star in the Assets and Procurement team of Rome’s EMEA division) attempts to add Britain to the Republic’s diverse portfolio of holdings, following reports that the country has huge untapped deposits of silver.

Profits warning

The acquisition is put on hold, thanks to a crack squad of British Extreme-Auditors who inform Caesar that the country's mineral reserves have been seriously overstated. (In letters home to Cicero justifying his decision to return to Rome, Caesar complains that the output was just too "weeny, weedy and weaky" to bother with…).

Caesar diverts attention from his blunder by turning the affair into a major accounting scandal. Various senior tribal figures make grovelling apologies before falling on their swords.

Romans invoke cross-default claws

Romans refine the "Gladiatorial" accounting system, combining net figures, sharp practices and gross results.

Based on the units of Christians and Lions, the Romans give frequent displays of long division, with graphic illustrations that Christians-into-Lions go many times. This generates high rates of interest but successive Emperors ignore dire prophet warnings and frequent accusations about fat cats. As a result, the Roman empire is eventually forced into liquidation.

Christians go on to thrive, cheered by the prospect of inheriting the earth; apparently the church collection plate is an early form of "inheritance tax".

1st draft of Monty Python’s Lion Tamer sketch

"Monty Python’s Flying Circus Maximus" wins a "Julie" for comedy sketch of the year. The sketch is a topical piece involving a bored Roman accountant – Optimus Proffites – and a lion. The confrontation happens shortly after meeting a nice chap called Simon the Devoted at the Colosseum, who agrees to a trial job swap with Optimus, in a selfless attempt to help relieve his boredom. Unlike more recent translations and revivals of the sketch, Optimus quickly discovers that boredom will never be a problem to him again.

Pillars of the community

Honorary Extreme-Accountant St Simeon Stylites dies, having spent 36 years taking the skill of "balancing columns" to previously unheard of heights.

Joust-in-time management techniques

"Whosoever debits the sword from this stone & anvil must make a credit of an equal and opposite amount to the Lady of the Lake..."

Arthur and his dedicated band of extreme Management Accountants rove the country helping traditional British craft enterprises fend off a series of hostile takeover bids from acquisitive Anglo-Saxon conglomerates.

Unfortunately this golden age is all too brief: a power struggle within the firm of Le Fay, Pendragon & Pendragon sees a failed attempt by Morgan to seize control from fellow founders Arthur and Mordred. This damaging infighting coincides with news that senior consultant Merlin has been caught helping to prop up a pair of corrupt regimes by conjuring illusions of false wealth. Attempts to relaunch the business without Morgan – as: "Arthur-and-her-Son" – fail to halt the loss of clients and Arthur retires to popular tax haven, the Isle of Avalon.

Shareholder revolt in Hastings

At a hastily convened EGM near Stamford bridge, Harold Godwinson emphatically rejects an attempt by his brother Tostig and leadership rival Harald Hardraade to grab a majority share in England plc.

Just 3 days later, though, William the Bastard arrives in the Southeast, intent upon exercising share options that he claims were given to him in 1064, in return for giving Harold "board and lodging" after a shipwreck. Once again, Harold's control of the board is in peril and he rushes south to confront William at the AGM in Hastings. A lengthy and heated debate ensues and Harold – obviously feeling that William has a poor grasp of Anglo-Saxon – resorts to sign language to suggest that William should look more closely at the small print on their contract. This is clearly misinterpreted by William, whose swift and conclusive response puts his own point across more successfully.

Following a unanimous vote of confidence, William is installed as Head of a new privately-owned multinational conglomerate NormAnglo Holdings Ltd.

Since this time Hastings has been an unpopular venue for company AGMs...

Doomsday scenario

The new chairman of NormAnglo Holdings Ltd finally has enough of the dubious bookkeeping practices and weak procurement processes of his charismatic predecessor. He calls in a crack team of auditors from Normandy to close the books on his property portfolio and fixed asset accounts, thus avoiding the need for another round of indiscriminate cuts (and bruises, puncture wounds and beheadings).

Under orders

In the fallout from the crusades, a new international order of warrior accountants – The Knights Ledgerer (motto: omnia ad extremus) – springs up in the Holy Land to help stranded soldiers plan, budget and finance the long journey back home.

With commission rolling in, the Knights prosper and soon establish a presence all over the world, thanks to a thriving crusade trade and the growing popularity of international package pilgrimages.

Sadly, all this early success is thrown away, when head of the Order Sir Hugo Libble empties the coffers to purchase a bogus relic: "The Slip of Faith" – supposedly the receipt made out by the Roman soldiers when they auctioned off Jesus' possessions. The blunder leaves the Order vulnerable and when traveller numbers decline, due to rising horse fodder prices, it precipitates a cashflow crisis and the Ledgerers disband.

World changes numbers

Traveller, adventurer and mathematical prodigy Leonardo Pisano publishes the "Liber Abaci". The book is the result of many years' travel and study all across the Mediterranean world and has a huge impact in popularizing the use of Hindu/Arabic numerals in Europe, instead of Roman ones.

As well as demonstrating the practical application of the numerals for bookkeeping, Leonardo advocates the arrangement of accounts into columns – possibly inspired by St Simeon Stylites' method for achieving clarity of thought!

Numbers change world

Crafty Venetian money man, Doge Enrico Dandolo subverts the fourth crusade by taking advantage of the crusaders’ inability to balance the books.

An over-optimistic forecast of take-up for the Pope’s fourth share issue in Holy Land Enterprises plc leads to 1,500 knights being imprisoned on Lido, owing 35,000 Marks. The solution: to do a few "minor chores" for Venice en route to Egypt.

By no means backward at coming forward – when there’s serious plunder to be had – blind, 85-year-old Dandalus proclaims himself a crusader and leads the army himself, first against the city of Zara and then to take the much bigger prize of Constantinople and a share of the Byzantine empire.

Chartering an Accountant to the New World

"In fourteen-hundred and ninety-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue..." What the poems don't mention is that his sponsor's chief accountant goes along too!

Having got the Treasurer to juggle the kingdom's books to release the funds needed for Columbus' expensive gamble, Bernal de Pisa is sent along to monitor the return on Spain's investment. Unfortunately, having survived storms, starvation, seasickness and Columbus' appalling navigation, his dissatisfaction at the amount of gold being produced under Columbus' leadership persuades him to organize a revolt against the general two years later and he ends up in jail.

As a result, he completely misses the single biggest development in accounting – publication by Luca Pacioli of the first accounting textbook ("The Summa"), detailing the "Venetian Method" of double-entry bookkeeping.

Accountant negotiates world’s first title sponsorship

John Cabot, unimpressed by the return on investment afforded by Columbus’ entry into the New World market, decides he can do it better. He sets off in "The Matthew" and discovers "New Foundland" (along with "Fortuitously Located Harbour", "Visible From A Long Way Away Mountain" and "Not Quite As Shallow As It Looks River"). On return, his sponsor (a Bristolian Merchant Venturer and well know corporate accountant) renegotiates the sponsorship deal. Cabot gets a commemorative tower overlooking the city; the merchant, one Richard Amerike, gets full branding of the newly discovered continent. The rest is history...

Mogul Buy-Out scheme proves popular

Rumours emerge of a "black hole" in the Calcutta operation headed up by the Nawab of Bengal. The East India Company despatches roving financial trouble-shooter Robert Clive to put things back in order.

Thanks to a boardroom revolt, the Nawab is ousted and Clive swiftly engineers a highly successful reverse takeover – with generous windfall bonuses for the Company and local stakeholders – that paves the way for the British Empire.

Campaign for the harmonization of Accounting Standards gets off to a poor start

An argument – over whether Tahiti GAAP should remain in force for the rest of the voyage, instead of the International Accounting Standards already adopted by the West Indies – escalates out of control.

The argument reopens an earlier grievance held by Fletcher Christian since Lieutenant William Bligh’s insistence that breadfruit is actually an employee benefit not an asset.

Christian assumes fiscal control, leaving Bligh a float and little else.

Livingstone files for bankruptcy protection

The meeting of Stanley and Livingstone near Africa's Victoria Falls has long been misinterpreted by non-accountants. For Stanley was not sent by the New York Herald’s editor to find the lost Livingstone. In fact, his mission was on behalf of the credit controller in the subscriptions department (Harry "Bulldog" McGraw), who was intent on recovering overdue subscriptions to the tune of £37-7s-6d.

Costs skyrocket as astronomical accounting exercise goes to extremes

A late night discussion at a meeting of the Northern-hemisphere Accounting Standards Academy (NASA) accidentally starts the space race.

Determined to prove that North American accountants could burn more money per second than their Russian counterparts, the group sparks off an increasingly bitter rivalry that culminates in the mission to put accounting supremo Neil Armstrong on the moon. Armstrong's initial words of "This is one small entry for man, one giant credit for mankind" is swiftly re-recorded, when cries of 'Huh?' and 'Dork!' are heard from around the world. He subsequently disappears from public view for 5 years whilst trying to justify his rather vague expenses claim (for "oxygen and stuff") to his bosses.

It’s an Extreme Knockout

Extreme-accounting suffers a setback in credibility, as misguided extreme-accountants take part in a hackneyed light entertainment programme dressed as 10ft-high foam Sinclair calculators.

Unfortunately, the costumes come complete with glowing red LED displays, which short circuit during an hilarious game (involving the teams jumping through hoops whilst having buckets of cold water thrown at them by a team of tax inspectors from Kidderminster) and the event is abandoned.

Extreme lunch leads to revolutionary accounting solution...

An accountant, a programmer and a salesman go into a pub...

In an attempt to justify claiming the cost of lunch on expenses, they set up an accounting software company called CODA. Realizing they could be rumbled, they decide that maybe they ought to actually write a software product too.

Inspired by the unified design of the bar’s carbonated drinks pump (that brings the complete range of soft drinks together in a single handy delivery mechanism), they decide to break with the tradition of building multiple modules for different ledgers, choosing to have just a single, unified ledger and hope that "the computer will just sort it out".

As luck would have it, the computer does sort it out and companies around the world show interest in the unique, real-time accounting solution; within months the software package's name is changed from "CODA-Soda" to CODA-Financials, and companies actually buy it.

An accident trying to happen...

Arnold Chiswick, CIMA associate and former member of the Queen’s 1st Airborne Insolvency Division of the Royal Infantry, undertakes a skydiving expedition to raise money for the Distressed Accountants Flying Team (DAFT).

Having just left the plane, he realizes his tax return is due that day; he whips out his calculator to calculate the petrol rebate he can claim after trading in his Jaguar XJS for a pedal-powered SMART car...

...and accidentally invents the modern sport of Extreme-Accounting. After a short spell in hospital restoring his damaged assets, he goes on to seek like-minded financial daredevils to join his sport. So far, membership of the organization has remained constant at one, but Arnold believes that outlook for growth remains good…if you'll please stay and be his friend... please...