E-A-ETIQUETTE

Whilst we at Debitt's would, naturally, always caution against going to extremes in most social situations, it can be carried off successfully if one conveys a sense of natural panache and style that outweighs the potential embarrassment to one’s own reputation, to one’s companions and, of course, to one's host or hostess.

For further elucidation, Debitt's Outdoor Pursuits Correspondent, Lady Trisanna Constantine-Woodhall consulted the driving force behind Extreme-Accounting, Arnold Chiswick, for some sensible advice to E-As wishing to cut a dash in the photo-gazettes and society pages this season...

Lady T

Arnold, you have gained something of a reputation as, what I believe the young people of today would call, a "snappy dresser" and all round "cool dude"1. Since originating this singular new pursuit, you have pioneered such style triumphs as waterproof pin-stripe jumpsuits and reinforced protective bowler hats that give an entirely new meaning to the phrase "haute" couture.

To take an example: Extreme-Accounting came about when you did your now famous "plummeting tax return" whilst being deployed to wind up a manufacturer of garden gnomes in Burnley. What outfit did you wear on that occasion and why?

Arnold C

I've always believed that one should be impeccably turned out, no matter how extreme the circumstances, so that particular day I set aside my tried and trusted charcoal grey worsted pinstripe – a cheeky little 3-piece that I picked up for a bargain price at the Harrods Sale of 1994 (and let me tell you: that was an extreme event in itself…). Instead, I selected my brand new Navy wool-rich two-piece from M&S2, I matched it with a sky-blue cotton shirt (seemed appropriate) – again from M&S, dark-grey wool socks – from M&S, and my CIMA tie.

Lady T

And footwear?

Arnold C

M&S black oxford brogues, of course – the overlapping layers of leather add significantly to the shoes' resilience and protective qualities, whilst the sweeping shapes and indentations help repel and disperse water.

Lady T

And if I might ask a delicate question, what are your thoughts on underwear?

Arnold C

I find that M&S brown boxers are advisable for most of my Extreme-Accounting pursuits. They’re particularly good at coping with the combined strains of free-fall drops and liquidation.

Lady T

You're wearing unusual headgear in that photograph – any particular reason?

Arnold C

Usually, I try to stick to my trusty bowler for outdoor Extreme-Accounting but unfortunately it has a tendency not to stick to me when I jump out of a plane! So, I thought I'd experiment with a crash helmet instead. However, I also have a neat little black synthetic moleskin bump hat for pot-holing and caving, as the brim on a bowler sometimes gets in the way in confined spaces...

Lady T

Would you say that smartness is a very important element of Extreme-Accounting?

Arnold C

Fashion and calculators are the only things that really distinguish Extreme-Accountants from other Extreme Sports' people – apart from Extreme Ironists, who display an admirable dedication to maintaining a sharp crease at all times. Of course, the thing that differentiates us from them is they have to lug an ironing board all over the place, whereas we often only have a calculator (which is much more convenient and less likely to overstretch one's pockets in an unseemly way). And, whilst everything they wear is certainly very well pressed and smooth, they have a rather "free-form" view on how to put together an outfit. Between you and me, we have more style – and fewer scorch marks. Well, except for the time when I misheard the instructions, while abseiling down a foundry chimney in Barrow – but that's another story...

Lady T

I understand that you are the chief judge in an ongoing competition to discover more of the world's Extreme-Accountants. What advice would you offer to entrants – or, indeed, to any novice E-A, who feels confounded by the broad choice of styles and motifs open to them from this dramatic lifestyle choice?

Arnold C

Obviously, there are four elements one should consider:-

How extreme is the sport or situation?
How good and how relevant is the caption?
How difficult is the accounting process involved?
How well dressed is the Extreme-Accountant?

And, as I'm sure you'll agree, if more people applied these principles to their day-to-day lives, the world would be a far better place. (Although, admittedly, the noise of people incessantly muttering possible captions under their breath might become a little irritating after a while).

On the last point, we E-As like to think of ourselves as a broad church and I quite appreciate that many of the more progressive firms have dabbled with practices such as "Dress-Down" Fridays and so-called "Business Casual" dress codes. However, for those who wish to truly distinguish themselves I would advise proper business attire – at the very least a shirt & tie. Ideally, of course I'd like to see all entrants in 3-piece pin-stripe suits; chalk-stripes are okay – a bit garish close-up, perhaps, but they do accentuate the feeling of movement in the photos. For those who prefer a slightly more understated look, a subtle grey 2-piece brings a more modern feel but, as a dyed-in-the-wool traditionalist, I'll be sticking to 3-piece pin-stripes, myself. Lady accountants may choose to wear a skirt as part of their suit, but will probably find that trousers are more practical for all but the simplest Extreme-Accounting procedures. Of course, the gents may also choose to wear a skirt – as I said, we're a broad church – that's entirely a matter between them, their consciences, their tailors and their dry cleaners!

Lady T

Thank you Arnold for sharing these invaluable pointers with our readers – I can't begin to tell you how grateful we all are.

By the way, good luck with the fractured skull – we all hope you’ll be up and about again very soon!

1 For these and many other helpful phrases to use when one is out and about or conversing with trades people, kindly refer to the Debitt's companion publication: "A miscellany of useful terms for communicating with everyday persons", available from all good purveyors of bound publications.

2 The well-known British purveyor of unobjectionable business clothing and consistently acceptable undergarments to the masses. Those E-As who reside in places that are a prohibitive distance from a branch of M&S, will doubtless know of a similarly reliable emporium to favour with your custom...

Tell a friend!